


who will chase us to the end of the planet

by painted_pain



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-28
Updated: 2012-07-28
Packaged: 2017-11-10 22:24:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/471354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_pain/pseuds/painted_pain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I had a dream last night and this was it. I apologise profusely. It is not a happy fic. I won't tell you why because that will spoil it BUT IT IS VERY SAD. THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL.</p><p>He opens his mouth to tell him but the words won’t come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	who will chase us to the end of the planet

**2.**  
He walks into the small apartment on the twelfth floor just after five in the afternoon. Jensen is already home, files from work spread over their kitchen table. Jared looks at him for a long moment. He opens his mouth to tell him but the words won’t come. 

Jensen spots him and asks, “Well? How did the doctor’s visit go?” He grins and adds, “Did he tell you that you’re cracked in the head? I’ve known for years.”

Jared bursts into uncontrollable laughter. He tries to keep it from sounding hysterical but doesn’t quite succeed, judging from Jensen’s worried frown.

He takes a few deep breathes and calms down. He waves his hand dismissively. “I’m alright,” he lies, hiccupping, wiping tears from his eyes.

 

 **6.**  
Jensen is looking over at him with a victorious smile as they play Call of Duty and Jared is overwhelmed with how much he feels from him. Jared leans over and kisses him, fast and sweet, his lips soft beneath his own.

“Jared,” Jensen breathes out. Jared closes his eyes. His head hurts. Jensen brings his hand to cup Jared’s cheek.

“I never thought you would,” he whispers in disbelief and wonder. Jared moves in to kiss him again.

“Me neither,” he mumbles. 

_I had nothing left to lose,_ he thinks.

 

 **3.**  
Jensen comes in after work two days later, raging. He stands in front of Jared, who is sitting on the couch with Sadie on his lap and Harley draped across his feet. He’s gently petting Sadie. It keeps him calm.

“You quit your job?” Jensen yells at him. “I had to find out from _Chad_! Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” He’s vibrating with anger, spitting out his words. Jared can’t look at him, it hurts too much. He runs his hand through Sadie’s fur. 

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you yelling at me,” he admits with a wry smile. “And I don’t want to work in a place that I hated, Jensen, not anymore,” he says softly, almost beseeching. “I couldn’t do it any longer.”

The loud noises, the demanding customers, the hours standing on his feet, the banging of cups. The smell of coffee makes him feel ill now. 

Jensen deflates, shoulders slumping. “I knew how much you despised it, but Jay, it was a job. We need the money, to pay rent and to buy food.”

“We’ll be fine for the rest of the month, Jen,” Jared says, twisting his mouth into a convincing smile. He doesn’t flinch or give anything away.

“And after?” Jensen sighs, flopping down onto the couch beside him. The jostling movement splits Jared’s head in two with pain. He blinks until the black spots fade and disappear. 

“You’ll have nothing to worry about, I promise. We’ll both be fine by then.”

Jensen starts to speak but Jared tilts until he’s lying across his lap. Sadie and Harley make disgruntled noises but they rearrange themselves without too much fuss. He can feel Jensen tense beneath him but after a moment, he relaxes. He brings his hands up to Jared’s hair hesitantly and when Jared says nothing, he begins to run them through the strands.

Jared so desperately wants to tell him but he doesn’t know how. He buries his face into Jensen’s thigh and allows himself to silently cry.

 

 **9.**  
They’re on Jensen’s bed, kissing slowly and leisurely, his tongue rolling against Jensen’s and licking into his mouth; deep and languid kisses. Jared feels warm all over and in this moment, so happy.

Jensen’s hand smoothes down his side and onto his hip, curling around the bone. Jared is all bones now and he hides it as best he can, wearing layer upon layer. Jensen hasn’t said anything yet but Jared knows he’s noticed. His fingers slip under his t-shirt to brush along Jared’s skin. Jensen kisses down his neck, sucking and laving the skin, leaving a ring of bruises. Tomorrow morning, Jared will press his fingers into them and feel real, substantial and alive. 

“Let me,” Jensen pants, “let me suck you.” His eyes are liquid and dark, heavy-lidded with lust. Jared bites at his lip. How can he tell him, this thing between them so new, that he doesn’t get hard anymore. His dick is soft against his thigh, twitching with interest but never anything more than that. Jared shakes his head.

“Oh,” Jensen says, and looks away, hurt. 

“Jensen, I just – “ Jared licks his lips. He doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. 

“I’m not ready,” he explains in pleading tones, “I just want to kiss you, I never want to stop kissing you.” He reaches for Jensen’s hand, pulling him towards him. Jensen falls back down beside him.

“I wish I could keep kissing you forever,” Jared murmurs against Jensen’s lips.

 

 **5.**  
Jared tells Chad over the phone.

“Jared,” Chad chokes out.

“I know,” he says, because he does.

“You fucker,” he shouts through his tears, “I hate you. I don’t want to be the only one who knows.”

“I know,” Jared says again. 

He sits on the couch, staring at the blank screen of the tv and listens to his best friend cry, shattered. Jared’s eyes stay dry. He doesn’t know how to cry anymore.

 

 **8.**  
Jared is in the apartment alone, feeding the dogs when his left arm spasms and he drops the bag of dog food onto the ground. He stares at him arm and notices how numb it feels. He lifts both arms up and looks on in shock as his left arm barely moves, trembling and twitching. He stumbles back against the wall and slides down it until he’s sitting.

He stays there for an hour until feeling returns. He stands up and picks up the bag of dog food, rips it open and pours it into Sadie and Harley’s bowls. Jared puts it away and walks to his bedroom to lay on his bed. He stares at the ceiling and quietly freaks out.

He has the sudden and overwhelming urge to have his Mama give him a hug, but she’s all the way down in San Antonio and he can’t afford the flight. He wants to cry and throw things. He wants to rip the sun from the sky. He wants to look at Jensen and tell him all the horrible things he sometimes thinks about. He wants Jensen to look at him in disgust and leave him to rot in this apartment.

Jared curls in on himself. He’s so tired.

 

 **10.**  
Jared is so weak. His left arm hangs listlessly by his side. The pounding in his head never stops. Sometimes, the pain is so bad, he spends hours curled around the toilet, nauseous and vomiting. His whole body aches. He is so tired.

He stares down at the letters scattered on the table in front of him. One for his family; one for his Mama, written specially; one for Chad, whom he hasn’t heard from since that phone call. Jared doesn’t blame him. He has one left to write, for Jensen, but it hurts so much and he doesn’t know how he can do this anymore. It’s too much. The pain is a black hole that is sucking in every piece of Jared’s self, piece by piece. Eventually, there will be nothing left of him, just an empty body. He’s terrified. 

Jared is alone in the house when he finally breaks down into huge, wracking sobs.

 

 **7.**  
The first time it happens, Jared is lying down on the couch with Jensen on top of him, pressing down into him. They pause from kissing to breathe and when Jared opens his eyes, Jensen is surrounded in an aura of white, gold, and purple. He stares up in shock. When he looks around the room, he sees ribbons of colour dance through the air. They’re spectacular, like his own private aurora borealis. But it’s the colours surrounding Jensen that he is most drawn too.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers. Jensen’s cheeks flush and warm beneath Jared’s palms.

“Shut up,” he mumbles, embarrassed.

“Make me,” Jared teases, and Jensen does.

The colours never disappear.

 

 **4.**  
He gets out of bed a few days after the doctor – just _after_ – and has to sit down again, his vision blurry and his head swimming. The room spins around him. 

“Oh,” he murmurs, voice flat and monotone.

He can hear Jensen getting breakfast in the kitchen, the dogs nails scrabbling on the linoleum floor, Jensen is laughing, presumably at the dogs. Jared desperately wants to know. He wants to bottle Jensen’s laughter and carry it around with him wherever he goes.

Jared brings his hand to his forehead and can feel no lump or protrusion. Eventually, he can stand up again, carefully and slowly.

He has several dizzy spells throughout the rest of the day. He carefully doesn’t think _this is the beginning of the end_.

 

 **11**  
The apartment has this tiny balcony leading off of the sitting room, big enough for a chair and a table, but not much else. Jared likes to sit out there at night. The stars look beautiful, awash with the luminescent colours only he can see. The doors slide open.

“Jared,” Jensen says. He sounds worried. Jared merely hums.

“Jared,” he says again. “what’s going on? Something’s wrong. You’re distant, not really here. You get distracted by things I can’t see. You won’t let me touch you, you won’t talk to me.” He shuffles out onto the balcony, arms crossed over his chest. Jared can see tears in his eyes when he rolls his head over to look at him.

“I hear you get sick in the morning, in the evening. I never see you eat. You’re nothing but skin and bone! I see you clutching your head in pain, your face as white as a sheet. Jared,” he pleads, “what’s going on? Please tell me.”

Jared clambers to his feet, and sways unsteadily, blinking back the dizziness and swallowing down the nausea. Jensen catches hold of his arms just above his elbows so he doesn’t fall over. Jared reaches up to wipe away the tears that have fallen down Jensen’s cheeks. There are too many tears. Jensen looks so scared. Jared knows that eventually he will understand and be grateful that Jared told him nothing. It’s all for the best.

“What’s for the best?” Jensen yells, demanding, his voice breaking and scattering into the night’s sky. Jared watches the shapes it makes in the air. Jared blinks. Oh, he must have said that aloud. Oops.

Jared pats Jensen’s face, caresses it with numb fingers. He leans back against the balcony railing. Jared’s glad he’s so tall. The railing presses into his lower back.

“I love you,” Jared says and presses a gentle kiss against Jensen’s lips. His head hurts so much. It’s time. He takes Jensen’s hands into his right one. He smiles.

“I don’t ever want to lose this feeling,” he whispers.

Jared lets go of his hands. He pushes himself over the railing and falls through the air, finally free.

 

 **1.**  
The doctor sits him down, his severe faced folded into a sympathetic and pained grimace.

 _Oh fuck_ Jared thinks, coldness sweeping through him and he wants to clamp his hands over his ears, and scream like a lost, little child. His head pounds relentlessly. It hasn’t stopped and, he realises, it probably never will. 

He zones in and out when the doctor starts talking in a sad, muted voice. Certain words seep in and Jared has the sudden urge to vomit, to cry, to run away and never stop.

“Tumour … malignant … final stage … inoperable … one month… “

Jared doesn’t want to know any more. “Thank you, Dr. Stevenson,” he interrupts stiffly, voice wooden and broken. His body feel cracked, like damaged machinery - _inoperable_. He walks out of the office, ignoring the doctor’s frantic calls, and out of the building into the Californian sunshine.

It’s the beginning of May. The sun warms his skin. He closes his eyes and stands on the sidewalk; mouths ‘one month’ and then walks away.


End file.
